A moment.

As if the candle light ceased. The birds stopped singing. The laughing faces turned to pale ignorance.

Pornwar documentary, thoughts

Porn. Is there a purpose? Money. To turnon. If I am not a voyarist it doesn't really have a purpose in other words. Could it be to inspire? Maybe I was a couple of years ago, now I am more disgusted. The people lacking ability to fantasize with other means than intruding on others' privacy? I don't know.

The repression of sexuality altogether. As a chargeback it feels. Going back in time. I wad so full of energy and naiveness, but now. Adapting too much.

The porn king. I recall I saw a trailer for a documentary about him where he pooped on the stomach of a lady. It didn't really bother me at the time.

When you joke about something you diminish it, making it lack value and seriousness to some extent. Maybe there were too many jokes. Maybe I need some sun. I'm just not there anymore.

A blog could be like a diary really. I use Twitter for cool things for people to know on occasion, news and things inthe external. Perhaps this should be more internal.

Some stalker from my time in England has created accounts with my email address on British dating websites. I get emails with username "Swedish skank" and others. I find it an odd thing to do, wonder what I ever did that guy wrong. (Because I am sure it is a guy.)

Moving on.

Dilbert is a realistic series and I never understood it before working in a big evil company with office corporate mentality. I get it now and am glad to be out of it.

Did you ever think about how little neckpain you had some years ago? Did you ever consider it may be because you stopped dancing? Partying single life maybe isn't that bad. If it hurts this much not to do it.

A colleague said my boss pisses all over the toilet. Got me thinking some people do it in the shower, is that gross or more normal than people think? Others with diarrhea could do number two there as well. (that would for sure be gross)

Why are flowers so relaxing? To be close to nature feels so releifing. I want someone to join me on tours to woods and fascination for plants.

Life felt easier with loads of people going for coffee. Somehow I just miss someone loyal now though, I don't miss superficial friendness even though it's nice as well. I miss the basis. Life is about people, but now there isn't any energy to use for the right causes.

Vitamin D is in sunlight. In winter it's dark. Maybe one should eat more fish in winter as that also contains vitamin D.

I want to go see stand up comedy, that's a good place to meet funny people. People to cheer up. Refreshing and healthy people. Yes that's it. Or start dancing. I thought after "This is it" with MJ, I must dance. There is dance in me and by shutting out I am a little more unhappy.

I dream a lot. I dream some days about my boyfriend and me doing stuff that makes me smile. Other nights I dream about being with people I have never met. I wake up before the alarm breathing fast for no reason but thinking I have overslept. I never oversleep.

Loved one has seizure, I stop. Death. It's never too far away like Freud said. I need a friend that is intelligent that wants to talk about philoshopy and that cares about why what where. Because it gets easier. It's not like I don't have friends. It's just they do these kinds of things. Like we had a supperclub every week. Then one just broke up with the other and stopped calling emailing hanging out. Another friend always makes appointments changing last minute or just don't bother to show up. A third one makes appointments seem like wanting to hang out then simple goes out for dinner with boyfriend that she already hangs with 24/7 since one year at least. Forth calls sometimes but doesn't seem to want more than talking once a month. It's too bad becuase it could have ment more. Why settle for these sets of dissapointments? Becaus Ive gotten to a point of acceptance of that I might be wrong. Maybe this is friendship. Maybe Its me having a problem with human error and am just not flexible enough to cope.

People clap me on my shoulder now and again asking if am OK. Why? What makes them do that, I don't get it.

Why is there headache? 10 h in front of a screen?

There is a local supermarket with a dude. He guessed my nationality and I guessed his. I guessed Marrocan and was right.

I cannot believe now also metro station cleaning man knocked on my shoulder. Again, why? I smell soapbubbles makes me think about SOAP the group. YouTube next.

Todays bureaucracy price - Belastingdienst (Dutch tax organization)

Background: I moved to Amsterdam July 2008 and before that lived in England during 2008. I received my BSN number not until early 2009.

My purpose was to declare taxes in Netherlands. In order to do that, I needed the declaration papers for my taxes from Belastingdienst. Viewing their website first, I found it all somewhat a jungle, I did not understand which form to use. I visited their office, they said they are not able to help but that I must call instead. I called the foreign line, they asked me to download the electronic software form from their website. The program is in Dutch with English help file and it is not possible to copy and paste text into Google translate = takes a long time to fill in. Then I noticed that I cannot send it after I filled out everything. Must order a written C-form, because I lived in 2 countries during 2008. So I call the number specified (for foreigners who do not speak Dutch). Ordered C-form and the guy says it will take 6-8 weeks.

Waited approximately 16 weeks, then I call again today.

This time the Dutch line as that was the number given on their website. They refuse to speak English, and refer me to the English line. They say, "we can not order the C-form because we cannot see your file. It is in the Dutch archive, so you have to call Dutch line. Call the Dutch line. They still refuse to speak English (they have a policy that they might make a mistake if they do, and that they really cannot bear being held be responsible for). The woman speaks Dutch and I speak English mixed with Dutch back to her. She says she'll send me a C-form and it will take 6-8 weeks.

Cultural meetings during the year that passed.

I realized yesterday how glad I am that I get to meet people from all parts of the world. Then I realized, how many people can actually say that they have done this? I would like to challenge everyone reading this to make one of these lists, because I am honestly curious.

During only the last year, I got the privilege to meet people from the following countries (that I have asked about their background one way or another):


The Netherlands (friends)
United Kingdom (friends)
Suriname (current classmate + former colleague)
Italy (current classmate + former colleague)
The U.S (friends)
Ireland (colleagues)
Sweden (many people)
Norway (friends)
Denmark (colleagues)
Finland (colleagues)
Curaçao (current classmate)
Saint Maarten (friend)
Cameroon (current classmates)
Canada (colleagues and acquaintances)
Germany (colleagues)
Australia (colleague to boyfriend)
Taiwan (cousin)
Thailand (friend)
Spain (friends)
Czech republic (colleague)
Greece (former colleague)
France (former colleagues)
Portugal (former colleague)
South Korea (cousin)
South Africa (current classmate)
India (colleagues)
Poland (current classmate)
Croatia (former colleague)
Mexico (friend I met on an expat event)
Suriname (current classmate)
Indonesia (current classmate)
Dominican republic (former colleagues)
Philippines (current classmate)
Palestine (former colleague)
Lebanon (friend)
Ghana (candidate)
Kenya (current classmate)
Russia (friend through boyfriend + former colleague)
Nigeria (current classmates)
China (woman that cut my hair)
Afghanistan (current classmate)
Liberia (current classmate)

My new classmates.

A Nigerian guy that did not say much.
A laid back lady from Suriname that lived half her life in Holland near the sea.
A well dressed half Italian, half Dutch team leader at a famous bank.
A giggly, girly ambitious cutie from Poland.
A Nigerian ashamed of his cultural background.
An independent, fashion interested Kenyan woman with sprinter abilities.
A hardware keen and calm father figure from Kamerun.
A chatty, happy-faced Liberian.
A organized, rule following Philippine woman.
An Americanized, red-lipped and red haired Dutch female.
An observing and shy Nigerian.
A soccer freak few worded intense guy from Kamerun.
A half Dutch, half Indonesian, student minded software worker woman.
A Southafrican smart and iPhone-owning Sawyer look-alike, soon to be groom.
A Curaçao-born, caring and friendly deep-thinking lady that integrated into the Dutch culture
An Arabic muslim that would not shake hands with me because of religion.
A Nigerian status oriented compulsive feedbackgiving lad.

Evangelism

You remember the song with REM - Losing my religion. What is religion? To believe in something? To prevail, to depend, to have passion for? The one thing you turn to when everything else fails. When you're looking for an excuse to live; to exist?

Feelings are not a religion, because they always change. Love is a feeling. Peace is a feeling. People change too. Be truthful. What's your excuse to live? What's the constant remaining factor that is your source of energy? Do you turn to God? Sport? Sex? Gamble? Google?

I have friends that turn to Eco-activism, art, clothes, photography, food, drugs, crime, programming, nature, entrepreneurship, paper. Everyone has their nisch, their heart, in something.

What's your core? I'm sure you know the answer by now.

I just read an article about an evangelist from Adobe. He said the word passion was the most important part of his work. It hit me hard. I did a Facebook test the other day, with the same answer. The test was called What's your greatest weakness?

Compelled to analyze, using the questions from above I come up with nothing. All that is or ever was great parts of my life, I survived without for periods of time. You can't abandon a religion, it's a part of you. Right? Love, sex, TV, internet, friends, family, money, books, cartoons, camera, politics, work, chocolate, coffee, design, individualism, diplomacy, independency, feminism, minimalism, practicality, (good) shoes, swimming, meat, flowers. I have passion for nothing. Or everything. I survive without it all. And it breaks my heart.

To drink milk when you expected orange juice, like Damien Rice said.

I've been offline for a while. Needed vacation, needed air. Some people feel a consistency of giving their readers something. I am not sure what to give you. Story about my life, so called personal blogging. Debate blogging. Technical solutions. I am not really sure, but I do hope you comment on this post if you have any input at all.

Today I purchased some groceries then left the store without bringing the stuff I paid for. It feels like a little bit of the same in the relationships in life right now.

I met several pretty close friends during my time in Sweden, all with different personalities and expectations. When you haven't met a friend that you know since childhood in more than 6 months you should have expectations. I mean, here I travel around half of Europe a limited period of time to meet these people that I love. All situations turned out differently.

One friend was giving me the exact same experience I thought she would. A full night of girl talk, wine and cosiness. Another friend did more than I expected, she really tried to see me several times and showed a never previously seen gratitude. The third friend didn't even bother to see me one-by-one which I couldn't really understand. It felt just like the grocery store, like I paid a lot of money and didn't get what I paid for. I signed up for meeting my childhood friend, not spend the entire day together with other people that I don't know. (Even though it could have been worse, the strangers were actually nice people.)

Our cat is missing. My family and I recently went to visit my grandfather and mom released the cat by impulse. Now he won't come back so she won't come back home. I signed up to come spend time with my parents 2 weeks. Now I am alone 400 kilometers away from her instead.

My very sweet boyfriend does so many incredible things that he is difficult to be frustrated with. Yet I am. I took for granted something that was never there and on the same time I got something I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams. I guess it's true, people change.

And now, so do I.

Right or wrong?

On the metro in Amsterdam there are chairs in both directions so to speak. They likely designed it like that as the metro simply goes back the same way once it reaches the final stop.

I simply thought many people feel sick when being transported backwards and thy this was the reason for using chairs turned both directions.
However, today when I was going a couple of stations I saw an Asian woman telling her companions that were about to sit on the chairs directed forward, "No, we have to sit in the right direction".

It's a bit difficult to describe into completeness, but I realized to a further extent how different wrong can be from right. So subjective expressions.